When Saying Yes to God is Hard!

God has called me to a deeper more intimate relationship with him. But in order to go there he has asked me to trust him, and give him my whole heart! To surrender, control and come to a place of complete dependency on him. A friend said today in her blog that, “Recently, I have realized that most of the things God calls me to are impossible without Him.  He asks me to say yes to him, fully knowing that I cannot fulfill my “yes.” It is comforting to know that God sees my heart and knows that I am as sincere as I know how to be (Kara).”

Tonight was a really tough night for me. I felt like I was blindsided earlier and it hurt, it really hurt. My emotions started to run wild and I didn’t know how to process or if I should try to contain them. Well, eventually I asked God to let me write. I often process through writing poetry. Here is what came out.

I’ve been here before, I’ve heard you call me
You keep saying just come, follow me
Yet Jesus I admit that I feel weak
And I make excuses, what does it look like to really seek?
Nail to the cross my own desires
Let sin burn away in the fire
But God this hurts, I hate this place
Why I can’t I just see your face
Child my glory is too much for you
But the more you let me remove
Fear, worry and doubt from your mind
Child believe me, I can bind
The fear and chaos wrapped up inside
Rest in me, fully abide
Just say yes that’s all I ask
It’s a simple yet very difficult task
I know you can’t fulfill it on your own
I know you feel tired and very alone
But child remember I’m with you
I hear your prayers and will help you through
Trust in me I will provide
Dead bones, Christ says come alive
Jesus is with you, he’s on your side
He didn’t stay down after he died
He rose again, victory won
I’m so thankful for the Son
Show me your love and grace for me
I know this is bold to ask of thee
But I need to know that you love me
God I pray that you set me free
From the grips of fear and anxiety
Give me peace in my identity!
I give you my yes, my heart is yours
Transform me Lord at my CORE
I want to keep knowing you more and more
Show me you’ve already won the war
Help me stand firm in victory
Thank you Lord for helping me!

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Child or Slave

The idea of being a child of God is not foreign to me, but is difficult for me to understand. I have multiple college degrees and am currently working on my MHS in Communication Disorders. So often I feel I have to have things figured out. I can’t make mistakes. I don’t know how to be a child. I shared my testimony at Celebrate Recovery and closed my time with this poem I wrote a few years back. God is teaching me he is safe, he is not mad at me, and most of all he loves me.

Child or Slave

What does it mean to be a child not a slave

I feel quit timid and not very brave

Can I enter the court of my glorious king

Do I have anything to offer, anything to bring

I’m taught to just come as I am

I want to just run into his hands

But will he be mad, upset with me

I could have done more for my wondrous king

He gave his life to set me free

Yet I sin and don’t simply rest in his wings

I feel like a failure, I don’t understand

I’m afraid God will speak to me and reprimand

I so desire love and to understand what that means

But God sometimes I wonder if that’s only a dream

What does love look like even today

Will you redeem that word for me some day

Love seems to be something that flickers inside my heart

I love other people, but often it seems life is dark

I don’t want to associate with sin’s hideous mark

But how do I love myself like you love me

Do others love me though I seem to mess up constantly

I said too much I didn’t say enough

I don’t want to hurt others, I don’t want to be rough

God I’m still learning how to speak

I want to stay disciplined and always seek

Lord I ask you trembling feeling dumb

But I want to know so I humbly come

Will you teach me the joys of being a daughter

Will you hold me close and be there for me Father

Are you proud of me, is that wrong for me to ask

I just want to do my best for you in every task

I know I’m not perfect, but will you help me to see

That you love me Father, you really love me.

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